


rubicon

by Razia



Series: there's an ocean inside me (it rages for you) [3]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, Gen, M/M, Parenthood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:34:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27674093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Razia/pseuds/Razia
Summary: Shinji's afraid, but Mika wins his heart anyway.
Relationships: Hirako Shinji/Kurosaki Ichigo
Series: there's an ocean inside me (it rages for you) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1772761
Comments: 6
Kudos: 47





	rubicon

**Author's Note:**

> Rubicon: a point of no return, one where an action taken commits a person irrevocably.
> 
> (this has been sitting in my drafts for months and months, but I was rereading your lovely comments and got a boost of energy, so I finally sat down and finished it \o/)

The first thing Shinji thinks when he settles his eyes upon Mika for the first time is that she’s small.

No, scratch that. She’s more than small; she’s tiny. Of course he knew that would be the case, but looking at an actual baby in the flesh is a whole ‘nother story.

Kisuke gestures to the artificial womb where Mika is, a glass ball the size of a very pregnant womb, amidst a thick blue gel that keeps her alive and, until a minute ago, kept them from seeing her outside of ultrasounds. The gel thins quickly, allowing them to see the baby curled up inside the womb, little chubby members close to her body. Shinji’s surprised to see some light colored hair on her head.

Ichigo’s hands shake as Kisuke opens the latch. He looks at Shinji with a swirl of emotion on his face and Shinji smiles back at him, nodding at the tank.

“Go on,” he says, handing Ichigo the very pink, very fluffy towel they bought for her.

“Ichigo, remember not to rub the gel off. It’s important that she absorbs what she can of it,” Kisuke says from beside them, scanners at the ready. Ichigo nods, swallows once, and reaches inside the tank. After what feels like eternal seconds he finally has her in his arms.

She’s all goopy and shiny from the gel. Her hair is plastered to her head and looking a little green with all the blue stuff in it, and if it looks green it means it’s yellow underneath, a little detail that grabs Shinji’s attention and doesn’t let go.

He presses a hand to her hair for a moment, as Ichigo carefully wraps her in the towel. She squirms a little, but soon settles as Ichigo brings her against his chest. She sniffs around for a moment, making Shinji wonder if she’s scenting Ichigo. They don’t know how much of a hollow she’s been born with, and if its instincts will have any sway on her. Right now Mika is a mystery that they will have to figure out, one weirdness at a time.

After a few seconds she makes a weird little face, like she can’t quite figure out what to do with all the muscles suddenly available to her. She goes suddenly still as Ichigo talks to her for the first time.

“Hey, baby.” His voice is rough with emotion. He’s probably going to cry any time soon.

Off to the side Kisuke is running the scanners, small beeps and lights filling the awestruck atmosphere around them.

“Everything seems fine. I’ll leave the scanners running while you get acquainted with her, and if anything beeps too loudly I’ll be right back.”

Ichigo doesn’t seem to hear him, but Shinji nods at him. Kisuke sends a curious glance Mika’s way, a surprisingly content smile on his face, then he leaves the room with silent steps. They haven’t yet told him he’s her godfather, and Shinji can’t wait to see his face when they do.

He brings his attention back to his husband and his daughter—holy shit, he has a daughter now—and wonders if the strange fear in his chest is normal. (He knows it is, has read countless testimonies of every kind of parent imaginable and how they were so, so afraid. It doesn’t do anything for the churning in his chest, though.) Mika seems to be easy to please right now; she’s calm, barely fidgeting, a cheek completely smooshed against Ichigo’s shirt. One might think she’s asleep, but the way she’s shifting her eyes under her eyelids says otherwise.

 _Why is she so silent? That’s not a good sign, is it?_ he thinks, worry gripping him so suddenly he needs to hold onto the nearest thing, which turns out to be Ichigo’s bicep. Shinji's gaze doesn't leave Mika's wrinkled, bizarrely serene face, but he notices Ichigo looking up at him.

"Why isn't she cryin'? Shinji asks, voice low, absently wondering how sensitive baby ears are.

"Not every baby cries when they're born," Ichigo answers, equally low, a note of reverence in his voice.

"Okay, but... doesn't she look a little bit too calm to ya?"

Ichigo bites his lip. It’s hard to ignore the quiet. “Kisuke said she’s healthy, and we always knew there was no real way to predict her development. What was it he said, exactly?”

“‘Mika-chan is a time bomb. No matter how much we prepare, we won't be ready for everything.’” Shinji’s fairly good imitation of Kisuke brings an amused smile to Ichigo’s face.

“I guess he was right.”

“Yeah, I’m just worried. I’ve always heard ‘bout babies making a ruckus when they’re born, so I’m a little wrong footed that she’s so... calm.”

Mika wiggles slightly, frowning as she settles inside her towel, pushing a chubby little hand onto Ichigo's chest, goop and all. Shinji looks up at Ichigo and loses his breath at what he sees there. Ichigo looks... mesmerized would be the best way to describe it. It’s like he’s never seen a baby before, which is untrue, so it is that he's simply taken in by Mika, which is fair but also kinda weird because Shinji doesn't quite get it. He’s curious about her, of course, obviously worried for her too, but...

Oh god, he doesn't get it.

In a rational way, he understands Ichigo's happiness, and he understands that he himself should be happy too, but all of a sudden it seems a foreign concept to be happy about the existence of someone he doesn't know. A new kind of panic grips his heart, the myriad of doubts that he's been pushing to the back of his mind for months coming back with a vengeance.

What if he can't find it in himself to love her? Is he willing to pretend? For Ichigo, sure, but then Shinji will spend the rest of his long, miserable life feeling like the worst piece of shit.

And Mika deserves better than that. Ichigo deserves better than that.

All his thoughts must be visible on his face, because Ichigo asks, "Do you want to hold her?" in that voice he uses to coax Shinji out of a nightmare.

Shinji nods, silent, mind blanking as Ichigo gently maneuvers Mika away from his arms and into Shinji's waiting ones (he didn't even realize his own arms were moving). She’s heavier than he was expecting; it’s grounding, having her weight in his arms like this, like she’s something real and solid and alive, instead of the hypothetical kid he kept imagining for months and months.

She's already losing the goopy shine as her skin slowly absorbs the gel, and they can finally get a glimpse of her real colors. Her skin is still a little red, but she seems to be as pale as Shinji, and with her blonde hair she looks very much like his daughter (he's not going to say that he's a little disappointed she doesn’t look more like Ichigo... but he’s a little disappointed.) Shinji slowly caresses a little bit of hair that’s drying, absently marvelling at Kisuke’s ingenuity. He created the gel especially for Mika, to keep her growing at a healthy rate while inside the artificial womb, and to serve as a first dose of important vitamins as soon as she was born.

(Kisuke had been concerned, as they had all worried about her early development.

"You must understand there's no precedent for this. I've never made anything like this before with any creation of mine, let alone a whole new person. And considering the DNA she will be getting from you two, Mika-chan is a time bomb."

Ichigo had looked at Shinji with this subtle, heartbroken expression that made his eyes look deeper, as if he was trying to curl in on himself.

Shinji had grabbed his hand while sending a scowl at Kisuke. "What exactly do ya mean by time bomb?"

"I mean that it doesn't matter how much we prepare, there will be unforeseen consequences. And it doesn't matter how much you want a normal baby, Mika will never be normal. That should be obvious."

"But we don't want normal. Do we?" Ichigo asked, turning to Shinji again, as if Shinji's input were important. Which he supposed it was, wasn't it?

Shinji squeezed his hand. "Nah. We just want healthy. Normal is overrated anyway.")

Looking down at the little bundle in his arms, Shinji stands by what he said. Normal is overrated, and when Ichigo convinced him to ask Kisuke to make a baby out of their own DNA, Shinji knew she would never be anything other than a little monster.

He absently plays with her hands as all these thoughts flow over his head, and then something magical happens.

She opens her eyes.

Shinji sucks in an audible, surprised breath. Ichigo leans over at that, curious as to what's happening because the angle doesn’t allow him to see her face, but Shinji can't take his eyes off Mika's.

They're beautiful. Dark brown, like Ichigo's, but she has specks of gold in them too. Gold, like a hollow's eyes. He takes a deep breath and stares at Mika while she stares back at him, and suddenly her little hand is grabbing his fingers like her life depends on it, her eyes boring into his own like she's analyzing who he is.

She gives a little coo that she shouldn't be able to, and something slides into Shinji's chest, right over his heart.

This little being made of science and hopes, half-human and half-shinigami and possibly full-on hollow, is his. His and Ichigo’s. Their daughter.

Oh.

_Oh._

He was a fool for ever thinking they wouldn't be able to connect.

So this is what it feels like, to love someone you just met.

And there’s no doubt about it. Shinji loves her. He loves her fuzzy hair and soul deep eyes and soft skin and chubby face. He loves her as deeply and weirdly as he loves Ichigo, even though they're not the same type of love. He loves her, and he knows his love will only grow with time. What a marvelous experience. (It’s something he never thought he would have.)

Mika blinks, slowly, and Shinji's heart doubles in size to accommodate her.

"You look like you're gonna cry." Ichigo's voice is soft as he moves to Shinji’s side, laying his head on his shoulder, hand coming up to cup Mika's head. His smile is evident in his tone.

Shinji doesn't know if he can find it in himself to cry, jaded man that he is, but dammit if he doesn't feel like it. Everything inside him is sliding side to side, shifting, something he once thought unmovable rearranging itself.

"She's so..."

"Perfect?"

"Tiny and wrinkled."

"Ugh, Shinji."

"What, it's true!"

Mika gurgles at them, flailing her little limbs against Shinji’s hold. They stop talking to stare at her some more, and she stops flailing to stare at them some more too. Shinji can see Ichigo frowning from the corner of his eyes.

“She’s very developed for being so young,” he says, starting to sound worried. This emotional whiplash is going to leave them exhausted by the end of the day.

“Well, isn’t that a good thing? It would be worse if she was underdeveloped,” Shinji says, silently worrying too.

“I guess.”

“Don’t worry too much, Ichigo.”

“I worry just enough!”

“Look, darlin’, we already knew she wasn’t gonna be like all the other babies.”

Mika coos again. Shinji tilts his head at her, a curious thought occurring to him. They stare at each other for a few seconds before he leans in close, his customary cheshire grin coming to his face because he wants to test something out.

“Hey there, little monster.”

She coos at him, flails a hand, kicks her tiny feet. Shinji’s grin only gets bigger and he watches her eyes track the movement, fascinated by all the white. He wonders if she notices the slight fangs.

“Are you payin’ attention to the conversation?” Her eyes go from Shinji’s mouth to his face, as if she’s committing his voice to how he looks, which is astounding considering she’s freshly out of the womb.

Ichigo chuckles. “I don’t think she understands things just yet, Shinji.”

“Well, obviously, but she knows when we’re talking to her. Look.”

Shinji looks at Ichigo and smiles at him. “Okay, I’m talking to ya. What is she doing?”

Ichigo looks at her from the corner of his eyes, trying to contain a smile. “Oh my god, she looks disgruntled.” He sounds delighted.

Then Shinji turns back to Mika, noticing that her frown looks a lot like Ichigo’s and deciding to tease him later about it. “Why do ya look displeased, little darlin’? Is it because I’m not talking to ya?”

She gurgles at him, expression clearing.

“Oh my god,” Ichigo says again, chuckling.

Shinji grins down at her. Her reactions are delightful; she’s curious and completely unabashed about it, like any baby. Shinji hopes her curiosity stays with her, that she grows up to be inquisitive and unafraid to ask questions. He’ll make sure to always answer to the best of his abilities, and if he doesn’t know something, he’ll find it out together with her.

There was never anyone around to answer Shinji’s questions for him, or to hold his hand, or to scold him when he put himself in danger; but Mika will never have to doubt that her father will be there for her. That they both will be there for her.

She blinks her pretty eyes at them both, going back and forth between their faces, so incredibly cognizant for such a young baby. Shinji knows, from countless baby books and websites, that her eye color should change within the next few months, that it's not set in stone. He also knows that Mika is not a normal baby, and he wonders if he should start preparing himself to deal with two sets of puppy brown eyes from now on.

...He should start preparing, just to be safe. Those things are lethal.

Ichigo envelops his arms around Shinji’s waist, sandwiching Mika between them. Shinji’s not surprised to see the tears on his face, he’s just surprised it took this long.

“Those tears better be happy,” Shinji says, smiling, because he already knows the answer.

And sure enough, Ichigo doesn’t even deem the comment worthy of an answer. He smiles at Shinji and down at Mika, where she’s trying to turn around and keep them both in her vision. Shinji turns her halfway around so that she can see them if she turns left and right, and she goes back and forth for a while, neck and back strong in a way they shouldn’t be but are.

She tires soon, though, falling to her right and bonking her head back on Ichigo’s chest. Her little grip never leaves Shinji’s finger.

“I love you.”

Shinji doesn’t look up for a moment, thinking Ichigo is talking to Mika, but the silence seems to wait for an answer. When he looks up, Ichigo is looking at him. It’s that look that he’s got when things are too much and not enough, when he wants words that won’t come out exactly the way he wants them. It’s a look Shinji’s used to, something he looks forward to, and now that looks is increased tenfold, encompassing the room and the little bubble they’ve found themselves in.

Shinji does the only thing he can do. He smiles, sincere in a way he rarely shows. “I love you too, darlin’.”

Mika coos, drawing their eyes to her. She’s watching them like a hawk. Can she feel the soft tension in the air?

“I love you too, little monster,” Shinji tells her, shaking the finger that’s got her death grip.

“I can’t believe you’re calling her a little monster.”

“She is, though.”

“ _Shinji_.”

“But that’s okay, cause she’s _our_ little monster. Isn’t that right, sweetheart?”

A gurgle.

“See? She agrees.”

Before Ichigo can roll his eyes at him, Kisuke comes back into the room, cane in hand and a please smile on his face.

“Well, nothing exploded, nothing beeped, no one’s screaming. I take it that everything is alright.”

“Everything's fine. Kisuke, I want to thank you again for doing this for us. We know it wasn’t easy,” Ichigo says, not moving an inch from where his holding Shinji and Mika.

Shinji watches Kisuke’s face take on a sincere note.

“And as I told you many times over the course of this year, there’s no need to thank me.”

Shinji grins. “On the contrary, Kisuke. We thought to thank you even more by giving you a present.”

Kisuke narrows his eyes at them. “A present, you say?”

Ichigo chuckles as Shinji’s grin grows bigger. “Congratulations, Kisuke. You’re a godfather.”

Shinji will forever treasure this moment; the look on Kisuke’s face as he drops his cane to the ground, the way Ichigo throws his head back and laughs, the way Mika watches Ichigo in fascination, the way her finger never loses her grip on Shinji.

There’s no turning back from this. It’s the type of moment where a step forward closes the door behind you, and the only way left to go is the one in front of you.

Shinji takes that step, gladly. He knows he won’t walk it alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated. Please, let me know what you think（*´▽｀*）
> 
> Come scream at me on [tumblr](https://raz-ia.tumblr.com/) and come join the [ShinIchi discord server](https://discord.gg/WMNUQQ6) :3


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